The Crown Jewels

“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorise” – Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias

If life has you down and your inner conservative Afrikaans woman is threatening to strangle you (Hello Gretha Wiid), you may feel the need to make some changes in your life. Some people may change their hair colour. Others may feel this is not far enough and will get a tattoo. Both valid options that are largely supported by most people in society today.

For some people, however, it is not enough to silence that voice. Some take a chainsaw to her, and it is thus that we enter the world of body modification and genital piercing. Bedazzling your crown jewels is a practice that has seen an upsurge in popularity in recent years. I once had my tongue pierced…twice – word to the wise, don’t order the chicken noodle soup right after a tongue piercing. You may think it’s a good move, but you are mistaken. Just trust me.

I’ve never been brave enough to have “junior” jewelled-up, but I have many friends who have done or are keen to have their “goods” pierced. This sound appealing to you? Make sure you have the facts first.

There are three male genital piercings that are most common, according to my research. The first would be the Lorum piercing. This involves a ring or bolt at the base of the shaft where it meets the nut sack, through that piece of flesh that connects the two.

The second most common genital piercing is called the Frenum piercing, which involves a ring or bolt which pierces the triangle of skin right at the underside base of your little (or not so little) soldier’s head.

But the master of the junkyard bling must be His Highness, Prince Albert or PA. A Prince Albert piercing is “a ring-style piercing that extends along the underside of the glans (your soldier’s head) from the urethral opening (the pee pee hole) to where the glans meets the shaft of the penis.”

So, you’ve taken the plunge, how long before you can…ahem… make “the beast with two backs?” I mean, after all, he is now all dressed up and needs some place to go. I chatted with my good friend Charlie Machine and Sinister Inc. in Montana, Pretoria – tattoo artist and piercer extraordinaire.

Most piercings will take 4-6weeks to heal, but according to Charlie, healing is quite simple, urine is sterile and flushes the urethra if the piercing passes through it. Additionally, a mild PH neutral soap is good; He also suggests saline and colloidal silver.

Ok, so you are pierced and healed up, how will this new Mixer attachment affect your best recipes?  Charlie explains:

“The PA and Frenum piercings sit on the spot where there is a nexus of nerves (the little triangle area underneath the tip of the glans) and does heighten sensation. Besides the aesthetic, this is probably the primary reason for people getting the piercing.”

Negative effects are a decrease in sensation after a while in some cases. (Not common though) It’s important to pierce (particularly the PA) with a larger gauge jewellery than other piercings (at least 2mm thick with a large-ish diameter) to avoid the “cheese cutter effect” (industry jargon) which may occur during erections and general wear. The thin steel starts to migrate through the tissue.” Camembert anyone?

Well, that’s all good and well but I wanted to know from Charlie, as an industry professional, what are his thoughts on decorating your in-between-me-down-belows?

“The response and feedback from clients are always positive. People are drawn to piercing the flesh and owning their bodies. It speaks to them on a spiritual/physical/primaeval level and sexual wavelength. Body modification is one the last personal taboos in a regulated world. And I’m all for it.”

There you have it, from the Bear’s mouth. So, what are you waiting for? It’s just like getting pregnant, just a small prick and it’s all over. Charlie’s waiting for you…

Craig Stadler is a contributing writer for Anova Health Institute.  These are his views, which may or may not reflect those of Anova and affiliates. If you’d like to write for us please send an email to info@anovahealth.co.za